The Proof is in the Packing

Does there ever come a time when doubt won't leak in around the tightly sealed edges of your thoughts? Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting beside an open window in a rainstorm--the window screen catches the drops and splinters them into a fine mist when they are small, but as they grow in size and force the screen does nothing to hold them back from splattering all over my face. I can sit in a room and know that in three weeks time, everything I'm being presented with will be simple, and that in three months time it will be second nature. I can know that I am amazing myself with my ability to be someone I can hardly recognize while still be able to be someone who is more myself than I have been in ages. I can know that there is no reason to be nervous or scared, since everything will work itself out... and the doubt can still creep in.

I know better than to worry or to feel like I can't handle this, because I so completely can. My resume proves it, my friends and family know it, and the company would not have hired me if I hadn't shown it very convincingly. Even with all the support the company is providing to me and all my fellow travelers, our managers have said more than once that if we are not feeling overwhelmed by the end of the week, we are kidding ourselves. They were exactly right. Day one was much easier to get through without feeling nervous, but after going through more of the nitty-gritty details today, I'm starting to feel it creeping in.

Really though, when you first start any job you're bound to feel overwhelmed. Aside from that, this job is potentially much more overwhelming than any other I've had because once you are on the road by yourself, you're in charge of almost everything and have all the freedom in the world to make decisions, and make mistakes. Basically, we've got 4 days in town preparing, 2 days on the road with managers and groups, and 1 day with a buddy to help keep us in line, then 2 days on our own with our presenters and away we go. It's hard to keep in mind that we've had 2 days here, and there are still 2 to go... and that in that amount of time we'll be able to learn so much. It's just interesting to me how easy it is to get completely down on myself yet have that positive voice still screaming out to be believed. I feel likes I just need some kind of proof that I can do this job, or to actually be able to take myself on faith.

But I'll either have to wait till Monday to see how I actually handle a seminar or suddenly find faith in myself. Maybe I can find the faith and the proof together. After all, that is the real goal of this whole adventure.