Penny for Your Thoughts

Six cents worth:

1. Who knew central Pennsylvania was so beautiful?

2. Is it really a compliment when your presenter says he likes that "you drive fast but not carelessly"?

3. I've acclimated. Fifteen degrees is no longer cold.

4. It's amazing how magnificant my own bed seems once I've been on the road more than a week, even though the hotel beds are sometimes so much better appointed.

5. McDonnalds coffee is not much cheaper and definitely not better than Starbucks coffee. And when I ordered, the girl couldn't fathom someone ordering a latte without a flavor.

6. Driving sometimes requires caffine. Sleeping requires a lack of caffine. This is how one becomes sleep deprived.

Hope and Its Burden

Okay, Vegas stories to come for all you patient chickadees, but there's other things I'd like to say first about the inauguration, if you'll allow me a rather circuitous route to it...

Life has a way of changing what I think of it constantly, especially regarding its purpose. As a child, I can remember being very moment-to-moment about my goals in life. My purpose was always some tangible thing or translatable abstraction--from being a scientist and curing cancer to having a life philosophy of tolerance, it was all very clearly defined, straightforward, and completely rationalized. At some point in my teen years, I lost all forms of faith and optimism, realizing that the forms of spirituality in my life were clogged with human failings and childish obedience rather than any real understanding of hope. I'm sure you all have undergone similar questioning periods or ambivalent stages in your life regarding what you are really here to accomplish, even if they were not so pronounced or disruptive as mine or perhaps more so. We all eventually have to realize that our state of understanding is in constant flux if we are ever to come to terms with our own failings and achieve any kind of real wisdom.

Not that I claim any kind of real wisdom; I am only just now coming to the full understanding that what I think now will eventually be usurped by another thought and that I will never achieve any final pinnacle of awareness. There is no final pinnacle after all, and no better or worse. No, what I am trying to say is that I'm just now coming to the understanding that the purpose of my life, in this moment at least, is evolution (And before you say anything... I don't mean a biological evolution, Jeff ;)). If you pay attention, you'll see a pattern of reoccurrences in your life. Every time a situation arises it provides you an opportunity to react however you want. When you refuse to change how you react, you do not evolve but only continue to perpetuate the cycle. If you break the cycle, new opportunities can arise for you to grow and evolve in new ways. The funny thing is, no one has to be conscious of this pattern and often your growth occurs in a sub-conscious state, but if you pay attention to it, you can start to control it.

I could go into my latest thoughts on life here, but without belaboring the point this last summer I started to see this pattern in a different way than I had before. Deliberately, I pulled myself away from the path that I had found myself on, and stepped outside of the cycle. Albeit, I did it in a fairly comfortable way--with a job that was relatively easy to get (due to strong connections and actual experience I had never realized I had) and that provided me with a short term guarantee of not having to figure out what else to do. My outright, conscious goal with this job was to push my limits of my self-definition, primarily socially. What happened was a strange shift. I discovered that the social definition was a piece of cake to alter, but multiple other aspects of my life shifted far more drastically than I had even dreamed. Somehow, I am now absurdly optimistic compared to the girl I was six months ago. I am happier, healthier, more stable, and so much more in control of my life that most of my anxiety about my future career has become a flimsy shadow of what it once was.

So there's a personal reason that when I sit in my hotel rooms alone with my TV, I start bawling every time I listen to Obama give a speech. It's not that I agree with everything he says, or expect that things will change overnight, it's that the rhetoric he uses meshes so completely with the experience I've had lately. He speaks about the evolution of America, with the obvious example of the gradual change from slavery to an African American president, but he carries it on into the future. While the last 8 years have been about staying the course and fighting any threat to our way of life as if America was a static nation, Obama is explicitly working at changing our way of life while retaining the principles that made us great. America is an ideal, one that may never be fully realized but one that we can strive towards, and while there is real work to be done, Obama's optimism regarding the ideology of our country is absolutely refreshing. After all, I have learned the value of being optimistic over the last few months... Less things go wrong when you optimistically know that it will all work out, if only because you automatically make space in your mind to react rather than anticipate and therefore can rectify any situation far faster.

His message is focused on sacrifice as well, with emphasis on the idea of community and hard work. I have long spent time separating myself from those around me since at one time, those around me separated themselves from me. Again, his message hits a nerve... as I have slowly begun to understand what a true community of friends I have and can have, and what a difference my "new-found" social skills have made. Acting out of Love towards everyone I meet is something I never really consciously decided to do, but I found myself doing it and started noticing it. A warm greeting and the intention of empathy in my heart makes such a difference... it's simply astounding.

So for me, every time our new president has gotten up on his podium to tell the American people that "Yes, We Can," my heart wrenches in the best way possible. I think I cry for the lost time, for the pain we all had to inflict on ourselves before we could come to this understanding and the pain that will continue to afflict us. I cry for the people who cannot fully understand the power of this kind of philosophy, including my own self-consciously simplistic understanding. I cry for the fear that the hope will fade and that the fear-mongering of the last few years will drop a pall over this light. I cry because I feel such immense joy that this world can change if we only let the power of the human spirit burst free of the chains of pessimism. I cry because I am intimately and personally wrapped around the philosophies that I am hearing our country embrace. I cry because I know that tomorrow the practical aspects of daily life will come creeping in on the celebration, and that we will all be tested as to whether we can actually live up to these ideals.

Martin Luther King Jr. was an idealist who never saw his full dream realized. The dreams of today will undoubtedly be similarly long-lasting and long-languishing before they can be fully realized. I smile because I know that there are others in the world that share the burden of hope that one day they will be realized. One day, we will evolve.

Sock it to Me

Anyone have size 6-6 1/2 feet? I think my socks are a little bit too snug, but I'm not one to pull out half the stitches and try to make it any longer. Maybe I'll sell them on Etsy.com when I'm done with the second one.

This one took a while, but was really fun. I think I might do another pair, but with chunkier yarn and bigger needles next time. Turns out that small yarn takes WAY too long to finish. Knitting at the registration table and on planes definitely gets you attention, though, which can be a very good thing. ;)

Immunity and Impunity

Turns out my cold might have been a flu, but after coping with feeling horrible from Thursday through Monday, I managed to beat whatever was keeping me down by Tuesday night, just in time for the fun to begin. Working with a bug keeping you at about 25% of your capacity is pretty wretched though, especially when you have no other option. I had to register people and do all of the AV set-up and tear down, regardless of how sick I was. It was something I knew going in, but I didn't realize that I'd be getting a flu over the course of the year. Flying on Sunday turned out okay since I got to talk my way into the Economy Plus section of the United flights I was on. Turns out threatening to need "constant access to the bathroom" due to a flu gets you some kind of respect. Might have to try that again later on. :)

The good part of my job is that I can just sleep all morning once the morning announcement is out of the way. So if I do it to start off the day at 8:30, I can sleep at least until 1pm if not 2pm. That's how I managed to get better, no thanks to my presenter refusing to offer to do a day's worth of driving... At least he cut me some slack and let me go sleep rather than insisting I be out front all day. He's actually really laid back, as was my presenter last week, so I have been very lucky in that. It's nice to be able to sleep through your work day, even if you have to get up and drive 2-3 hours after the seminar.

Since I'm driving, I was able to snag a side trip to the state of Delaware (as seen above). We were going from DC to Cherry Hill and I got off the turnpike for a mile to get to the University of Delaware so that we could take a picture. So that's another state checked off the list! I've also had same cities with other program managers this week so I've had fun hanging out and getting good food with different people my age. We have a great instant camaraderie on the road since we all know what the other one is going through. We gab about presenters and other program managers and just generally have a chance to relate to someone who is not hotel staff or a teacher. Teachers... ugh.

This weekend, I'll pick up another state and travel to Vegas for the first time with a whole crew of present and former program managers! Should be a barrel of laughs and debauchery... I'm so excited!! :)

...and it gets bad finally.

I haven't had a truly bad day until now, but I wanted to get a blog post in before the week ends. :P


Consider this a placeholder. I'm sick, tired, and not really capable of doing my job, but doing it anyways, all while agonizing over not getting to enjoy portland at all while I'm here. ARGH.

Again, and Again...

Why would I start again on a goal that is a set up for failure? However fast 12 months seems to pass these days, taking a photo a day, writing every day, doing art once a week... it seems like a long time, rife with opportunities to stop. I'll have to play catch up at some point, I'll have to stop and snap or scribble something in a rush, I'll probably fail.

But there's a chance I won't. And so 2009, here we go... With a list that is slightly behind (I managed to fiddle some things and cross off a good number that I'd forgotten I'd finished), it's closer to being on track than I expected. I even finally gave it up, 10 inches up, and did Locks of Love. I surprised myself and almost cried as she cut. I got almost none of the goals finished that I thought I would finish, but I'm doing okay. My first sock is coming along, and there's plenty of time to keep working.

This year I have it easy with only 365 photos. I might try to start off each month with a photo of myself (no promises here...), and here I am as of January 1, 2009. Let's see how I change, shall we?