trapped in an eddy, watching the water sweep past

God I hate inertia.

To get out of my current situation, I need to run full speed ahead into something else (job applications namely), but in my current state of stasis it's seeming less and less likely. I'm vacillating constantly between wanting another lab job (further the career I'm starting to hate and all...) and wanting to ditch life via a 20-30 hour a week part time job that provides enough benefits, salary, and time to live for a few months unencumbered by the real world. The lab job would provide me with the chance to save more money for a long-term goal (ie house, long vacation, etc), while with a reduced salary and work time, I might have to chisel into my savings account, depending on how long the "unencumbered" phase lasts. The pros and cons could go on forever... and trust me, I could go on debating forever. I'm stuck knee deep in muck and getting out is not getting any easier. In fact, it's only going to get harder the longer I stand in one place.

So it boils down to one question: what would spark me into action?

Option 1: Utter desperation. Current situation becomes beyond unbearable and I send out a job app or two, get interviews and get a new, potentially more miserable, potentially less miserable job. This could potentially take months and would be very similar to my job search last year.

Option 2: Determination to get off the train. I make the decision to step off the career path, find a viable part-time position with benefits, and write my 2-week's notice as soon as I can. This requires decision-making and risk-taking skills beyond what I've shown lately, but not beyond what I'm capable (note the "viable" part of the job...).

Option 3: The discovery of my undying passion. Basically, figure out what the hell I am supposed to do with my life and take every step necessary to get there. This is my ideal situation, but the option that I am ever growing further from the longer I continue to feel soul-crushed.

So the obvious choice to me is getting off the train. There's a chance it will fail miserably and I'll be right back where I started. Only I won't be. I'll be somewhere else. Not here. And I will have learned something about myself, even if it's not what I want to learn. The worst of it will be enduring the opinions that will inevitably develop from people who know me. Some will be happy that I'm trying to be happy, but some will think that I am derailing off a great path. I'll have to chose not to let them get to me. I'll have to chose not to let my own voices get to me.

We'll have to see, won't we?

souls are fragile things

I once read a very astute line in one of my poetry-writing books about writer's block, saying that some writers find that it is hard to write when their mood swings a certain way, be it up or down. I always thought I was a depressive writer. When things looked bad, I always had more to say. I was more sensitive to the world when I was down and more sensitive to the words I felt compelled to blurt all over a page. Usually, the worst moods were accompanied by the most ink-spilling and paper-ripping rampages. So why on earth have I not been writing this time?
Perhaps it is because I am starting to realize that my heart is not aching this time, it is my soul that is simply dying. The principle force I've had in my life is one of apathy. I've detached from pretty much everything that used to matter and have lived a superficially "Okay!" existence. Honestly, it's not all that bad. By not wanting things, I've eradicated most of the emotional pain I used to go through on a regular basis and made it much easier for myself not to take risks or challenge myself to grow. But at the same time, I've lost pieces of myself that I used to define myself by--the poetry, the creativity, the drive to learn, and the daily passion that I used to live with. So I have two choices: redefine myself by the new criteria, or figure out what caused this shift and change it. I've needed to redefine myself post-school, but this is not the me that I want to be. Not at all.

The obvious cause of this is my job. When people ask me how it's going, I generally lie through my teeth and say it's "fine!" No one wants to hear someone else be unhappy, and after all the time I've spent being annoyingly sad for too long, I'm very hesitant to really blurt out any hint of sadness. Regardless, my job was a disaster from the start. It's not at my level, not challenging, lacking in creativity, problem solving, and independent work... and I've lost my drive to even try to make it better, which only makes it worse. Not even the people can keep me around... in fact, some are pushing me away faster than anything else. My original plan was to hold out for the summer, use my 2 weeks of saved up vacation on the things I have planned and just hang on. Starting a new job probably means I will have no vacation for a while... and the summer is the worst time to be trapped inside working. But it's just gotten too bad. I think it's time to push forward, and take my time between jobs to have a vacation. That would be assuming I could find another job with the same amazing benefits during a downturn... Cross your fingers that I can make it out of these woods.