souls are fragile things

I once read a very astute line in one of my poetry-writing books about writer's block, saying that some writers find that it is hard to write when their mood swings a certain way, be it up or down. I always thought I was a depressive writer. When things looked bad, I always had more to say. I was more sensitive to the world when I was down and more sensitive to the words I felt compelled to blurt all over a page. Usually, the worst moods were accompanied by the most ink-spilling and paper-ripping rampages. So why on earth have I not been writing this time?
Perhaps it is because I am starting to realize that my heart is not aching this time, it is my soul that is simply dying. The principle force I've had in my life is one of apathy. I've detached from pretty much everything that used to matter and have lived a superficially "Okay!" existence. Honestly, it's not all that bad. By not wanting things, I've eradicated most of the emotional pain I used to go through on a regular basis and made it much easier for myself not to take risks or challenge myself to grow. But at the same time, I've lost pieces of myself that I used to define myself by--the poetry, the creativity, the drive to learn, and the daily passion that I used to live with. So I have two choices: redefine myself by the new criteria, or figure out what caused this shift and change it. I've needed to redefine myself post-school, but this is not the me that I want to be. Not at all.

The obvious cause of this is my job. When people ask me how it's going, I generally lie through my teeth and say it's "fine!" No one wants to hear someone else be unhappy, and after all the time I've spent being annoyingly sad for too long, I'm very hesitant to really blurt out any hint of sadness. Regardless, my job was a disaster from the start. It's not at my level, not challenging, lacking in creativity, problem solving, and independent work... and I've lost my drive to even try to make it better, which only makes it worse. Not even the people can keep me around... in fact, some are pushing me away faster than anything else. My original plan was to hold out for the summer, use my 2 weeks of saved up vacation on the things I have planned and just hang on. Starting a new job probably means I will have no vacation for a while... and the summer is the worst time to be trapped inside working. But it's just gotten too bad. I think it's time to push forward, and take my time between jobs to have a vacation. That would be assuming I could find another job with the same amazing benefits during a downturn... Cross your fingers that I can make it out of these woods.