tick tock the time clock...

Work becomes abysmal when the auditors come to town. As a GLP (good lab practice) lab, we get to conform to government standards regarding documentation of the work that goes on, and to check up on how we are doing they send in a guy to look over everyone's shoulder and try to find what we're doing wrong. Constant second-guessing of myself doesn't exactly bode for a fun 3 days at work...

But speaking of work... I'm inching towards finding a way out by applying to things vastly different from where I am. At the same time, the second-guessing comes naturally, and I'm really skeptical of whether I'm on the right path. The truth is, I haven't applied for any other lab jobs because I can hardly stand the thought of another lab job. Reading through my old journals the other day I came upon a passage in which I contemplated stepping off the train and joining the Peace Corp, a VERY random thought that never developed, but was clearly signaling that I was dissatisfied with the course my life was heading for. The sad thing was that entry was written in 2005. Even now, it's hard to let go of the lengthy numerations of methodologies I'm familiar with; cutting them out of my resume feels like amputating my fingers, one at a time. I'm proud of them and of the list because it says I'm impressive, I have value, I am the smart girl.

But I'm not the smart girl any more--that stopped when school stopped. I only became the smart girl because one day in 3rd or 4th grade, I learned that I could get approval from my teachers and parents, along with some level of recognition from my peers, by getting all A's. I've always been intelligent and have been blessed with a strong memory, but this choice was to define myself by those characteristics. Now that I'm working at a job that is intellectual, but not challenging me in an academic sense, I realize what a charade I've created. I am so much more than S-M-R-T...

Except for the fact that, by being the smart girl, I picked myself up and plunked myself down on the other side of a fence, away from social knowledge and the risk of not being liked. I may need to be "schooled" in the art of everything non-academic. Perhaps looking for something that seems like a step down from a highly qualified resume builder isn't a step down, but a chance to pick up all those lessons I missed out on. We'll see though, I have to get past various interviews first and convince someone to take a chance on someone who's so obviously a science nerd.