bands, booze, and a crazy french dude

I am the first to admit it, I am a groupie for a band with perhaps the worst band name ever... wait for it... Handful of Luvin'. And yes, I have now attended 4 shows that they have performed at. Honestly, they sound so much better live I haven't bought their CD's and who in their right mind would want a t-shirt that says "Handful of Luvin" on it? So I figure I support the band through cover charges (even though I didn't pay one last night), and simply showing up and bringing different friends every time. Like Friday night, I introduced KAL to their music (and the violinist with the broody eyes, which of course sets my heart a flutter). Little did I know what the night had in store for us.

We got to Fado early, had a couple beers and talked for a good hour. When the band started, we both listened to them play and watched the really amusing groupie-boys who were right up in front of the band, dancing like they were epileptics or swinging their arms off-beat. Overall, it was awesome. I was definitely buzzed from not having eaten a large dinner, and KAL was feeling it too.

Then I got a tap on my shoulder, and all hell broke loose.

Generally I refuse drinks offered to me at a bar because I'm too nice to not talk to the guy for a while, and then the situation gets awkward because I never feel comfortable talking to random guy who is buying me drinks to hopefully make out with me at some point that night.... but due to whatever reason, and the fact that KAL doesn't turn down drinks, we soon had two Mac'n'Jacks in front of us. The guy talks to us, with a strong accent that I soon recognize as French. We talk, and he seems cool enough... but there's always the "in town just for tonight" and the flirtatious touches that get me put on edge. Soon enough he's got his hands on my back, shoulders, whatnot and is trying to kiss my neck, cheek, etc... For whatever reason, I am cracking up at the situation, and rather than running immediately for the exit, which I normally would have done, I kinda put up with it. I try to brush him off so that I can listen to the band, but he is continually making a pull at me towards my lips.

Eventually, I'm tired of it to the point where I don't want to stick around to listen anymore, and Kirsten and I walk to the bathroom laughing, and out to the sidewalk to wait for the bus. Ten minutes later, after being cat-called from a cruising car with VERY shiny wheels, out walks my frenchman, cigarette in hand. KAL does a good job monopolizing the conversation for my sake, but he cannot be dissuaded from grabbing my face. Finally the bus comes, and I ride one stop the wrong direction just to finally get away from the guy who would have insisted on walking me to my bus stop had I not run away.

I get off the south-bound bus in Pioneer Square and have to walk the 3 blocks to my bus stop. I put on my "Fuck-off" vibe extra strong, and walk straight past a group of club-bound guys who whistle and "hey baby where ya going?" at me as I walk towards them, and mutter "Oh, so COLD..." as I walk off without even so much as looking up. I get a kick out of that too really... I'm all kinds of weird when it comes to the opposite sex. I find all these dating and mating rituals utterly disconcerting one day, and fabulously hilarious the next. I guess really I like being in a position of power, getting to be the rejector is far more fun than being rejected.

So overall, it was a hilarious night and much fun hanging out with a good buddy, while creating a fun story. Only one problem... I still didn't talk to broody-eyed violin boy. Who's up for concert #5? :P

transportation gods

Mode of Transportation
Originally uploaded by arirose

Somebody up there really hates me. All I want to do is bike to work and I am just not having any luck. First I got a cold the first week of June and sniffles + rainy biking = yucky yucky yucky. I got over the cold quicky because I didn't bike, but then the following Monday, I head out in my newly healthy state, and get a flat tire on the way home. Since it was the rear tire, it was too daunting to fix on the side of the road, so I waited and waited and waited for a bus. It came 20 minutes late. Little did I know what was to follow...

Fixing the tire seemed easy enough, until a brake pad fell off after trying to replace the wheel. Then the other break pad fell off. Then the tire wouldn't go in straight. Then I lost the nut for one side of the wheel for 2 hours, finding it improbably tucked into a part of the bike when I KNOW I had put it on the towel on the floor to not lose it. Then the breaks were still messed up and the tire uneven. Thursday night I got it all back in working order, only to go home to b-town for Father's day festivities.

Last night, in all the glorious sunshine that was about to fade, I left work late. I was dying for my bike, but I was heading home via bus due to my weekend bag still with me. Little did I know a fire had knocked out the electrical lines for the bus I normally take. After waiting almost 35 minutes, and missing two connecting busses, I finally had an alternate bus show up, grabbed it, and caught the long bus home. For a typically no-more-than 45 minute trip, it took an hour and 40 minutes.

So today, I'm not about to trust the busses. I head down to the bike cage and grab my bike to head out. Only, something feels wrong. I look down and the rear tire is flat. AGAIN. This time after I flip the bike over (and get coated in grease again) I discover a small piece of glass stuck in the tire. I had done a thorough once-over on the tire to check it after the previous flat, and there was nothing, or at least I didn't see anything. So after a few moments, I realize it's more trouble to fix the tire in a rush than to go upstairs, change and run to the bus. THEN as the bus is pulling up to the transfer point, I watch as my connecting bus pulls away from the sidewalk.

My god. What did I do to get this kind of Karma?

note on the state of things

Why on earth does it make me so mad that one cannot reserve a decent campground anywhere near Wenatchee/Lake Chelan on a weekend 3 weeks in advance? I really do have to plan these things out on an extended time scale... Or stop working on a regular, M-F, 9-5 schedule. I'd better get started on that trip I want to take in August! So much for winging it... I need to be on top of this summer before it passes me buy again.

...but exactly when will it begin?

looking for that thing deep down

So, more or less I'm taking option 3 while expecting option 1 to kick in anytime now, since I'm not sure what the hell direction option 3 is going to lead me in. What do I mean? Just that I'm going on with life as it is, in this somewhat stinky economy with very limited lab job postings (and my limited interest in another lab job) and meanwhile trying to figure out just what it is that I should be doing. Part of me is determined to see if being creative outside of work will be enough to allow me to function those 40 hours a week in a rather logical and dry career. I realize I need to get out of science at some point, but I need something stronger to stand on than a part time job a Starbucks or REI with regards to a potential new career.

But on the other hand, writing is just not happening. Sometimes I'll get a moment where I want to write something, but even writing for this blog is something I'll put off to no end... Hopefully a new endeavor will encourage me to write more (while being another thing on my 101 list to check off, now that I'm getting painfully behind!). Here goes:

So you'll have to promise not to laugh, but I'm starting in on visual journaling. It was very roundabout, but I found multiple blogs by rather talented and creative people in the course of a week (just around my birthday actually). Through these discoveries (and many, many minutes and which probably add up to hours spent watching youtube videos...) I landed on a blog where the author was about to start an online workshop. God knows I respond well to assignments and accountability... Plus, it was going to run during the 8 weeks that Vinh was out of town (and thus I'd actually have some time to myself, and I mean that in the nicest way possible Vinh... :)). So I threw caution to the wind, stopped at the art supply store, and stocked up on the various supplies needed to be non-verbally creative.

The first assignment was in regards to space: your general art space, the journal as space, journaling away from your usual locale, and in some ways, defining the spaces within the page. This page (above) is the first attempt, which turned out better than I'd expected. I'd forced myself to cover the pages in stream-of-consciousness writing, then some crayon doodles, then layering on paint (acrylics, using my new $.65 plastic palate knife... it's fun :)). After that I kinda ran out of ideas, even though the pages looked so pretty in an abstract kind of way. I made the butterflies out of cardstock and then put in the notebook paper scraps to create writing space (see, I can never get away from words...). The pictures were part of the "assignment" in which I determined my "in" journaling space, and my "out" journaling space. The "in" is basically my coffee table draped in an old XL t-shirt (freebie from an engineering fair...) and my Met bag with a large shoebox of supplies inside. To try to be brave, I took a small bag of supplies (mostly markers, crayons, glue, tape and collage scraps) to my favorite coffee shop, Herkimer, and stayed as long as I felt I could justify taking up their table. This page (at right), which had a red background already painted on it, turned into a bit of a complaint towards adulthood and the frustrations I'm feeling between what I want to do and what is feasible. I'm not sure I'm as happy with this page since I think I kept going too far with it, but I suppose for a second attempt, and in trying conditions, it's probably progress.

So there you go, something new to write about and to post pictures of. My 366 is being mended right now... but I'm almost caught up after having to do some patchwork and catch-up photos. Capturing days that are insanely boring while not repeating the same photo over and over is not very easy. Not easy at all.

trapped in an eddy, watching the water sweep past

God I hate inertia.

To get out of my current situation, I need to run full speed ahead into something else (job applications namely), but in my current state of stasis it's seeming less and less likely. I'm vacillating constantly between wanting another lab job (further the career I'm starting to hate and all...) and wanting to ditch life via a 20-30 hour a week part time job that provides enough benefits, salary, and time to live for a few months unencumbered by the real world. The lab job would provide me with the chance to save more money for a long-term goal (ie house, long vacation, etc), while with a reduced salary and work time, I might have to chisel into my savings account, depending on how long the "unencumbered" phase lasts. The pros and cons could go on forever... and trust me, I could go on debating forever. I'm stuck knee deep in muck and getting out is not getting any easier. In fact, it's only going to get harder the longer I stand in one place.

So it boils down to one question: what would spark me into action?

Option 1: Utter desperation. Current situation becomes beyond unbearable and I send out a job app or two, get interviews and get a new, potentially more miserable, potentially less miserable job. This could potentially take months and would be very similar to my job search last year.

Option 2: Determination to get off the train. I make the decision to step off the career path, find a viable part-time position with benefits, and write my 2-week's notice as soon as I can. This requires decision-making and risk-taking skills beyond what I've shown lately, but not beyond what I'm capable (note the "viable" part of the job...).

Option 3: The discovery of my undying passion. Basically, figure out what the hell I am supposed to do with my life and take every step necessary to get there. This is my ideal situation, but the option that I am ever growing further from the longer I continue to feel soul-crushed.

So the obvious choice to me is getting off the train. There's a chance it will fail miserably and I'll be right back where I started. Only I won't be. I'll be somewhere else. Not here. And I will have learned something about myself, even if it's not what I want to learn. The worst of it will be enduring the opinions that will inevitably develop from people who know me. Some will be happy that I'm trying to be happy, but some will think that I am derailing off a great path. I'll have to chose not to let them get to me. I'll have to chose not to let my own voices get to me.

We'll have to see, won't we?

souls are fragile things

I once read a very astute line in one of my poetry-writing books about writer's block, saying that some writers find that it is hard to write when their mood swings a certain way, be it up or down. I always thought I was a depressive writer. When things looked bad, I always had more to say. I was more sensitive to the world when I was down and more sensitive to the words I felt compelled to blurt all over a page. Usually, the worst moods were accompanied by the most ink-spilling and paper-ripping rampages. So why on earth have I not been writing this time?
Perhaps it is because I am starting to realize that my heart is not aching this time, it is my soul that is simply dying. The principle force I've had in my life is one of apathy. I've detached from pretty much everything that used to matter and have lived a superficially "Okay!" existence. Honestly, it's not all that bad. By not wanting things, I've eradicated most of the emotional pain I used to go through on a regular basis and made it much easier for myself not to take risks or challenge myself to grow. But at the same time, I've lost pieces of myself that I used to define myself by--the poetry, the creativity, the drive to learn, and the daily passion that I used to live with. So I have two choices: redefine myself by the new criteria, or figure out what caused this shift and change it. I've needed to redefine myself post-school, but this is not the me that I want to be. Not at all.

The obvious cause of this is my job. When people ask me how it's going, I generally lie through my teeth and say it's "fine!" No one wants to hear someone else be unhappy, and after all the time I've spent being annoyingly sad for too long, I'm very hesitant to really blurt out any hint of sadness. Regardless, my job was a disaster from the start. It's not at my level, not challenging, lacking in creativity, problem solving, and independent work... and I've lost my drive to even try to make it better, which only makes it worse. Not even the people can keep me around... in fact, some are pushing me away faster than anything else. My original plan was to hold out for the summer, use my 2 weeks of saved up vacation on the things I have planned and just hang on. Starting a new job probably means I will have no vacation for a while... and the summer is the worst time to be trapped inside working. But it's just gotten too bad. I think it's time to push forward, and take my time between jobs to have a vacation. That would be assuming I could find another job with the same amazing benefits during a downturn... Cross your fingers that I can make it out of these woods.

coming full circle

So my CSA adventure started off rather well, with almost all of the veggies used up by the time yesterday's box rolled around. Cooking becomes an adventure in "where can I hide the vegetable?" when your crisper drawer is overflowing. This week I have quite the lovely assortment of delectable organic produce:

cucumbers
red onions
celery
carrots
zucchini
russet potatoes
spinach
broccoli
Texas Honeygold grapefruit
kiwi
braeburn apples

So, my eyes wander over the list, and what do I think? Minestrone! That's the only way to get rid of zucchini without masking it in gallons of soy sauce or baking it into a bread. So far, the onions and spinach (along with some ham I had, and some farmer's market eggs) have produced a VERY tasty omelette. I keep forgetting to write what I'm doing in my food journal, which is sad. But I'm going to try to update a few things from last week in it (including mushroom & broccoli fettuchini alfredo, braised lamb with vegetables, and potato & sunchoke gratin). Turns out cooking can be fun!

leap day means an extra chance

So far, February has mostly been a wash. Yes, I actually did get some stuff done (taxes & CSA), but overall I'm feeling frustrated by this month...

• Flossing is not working for some reason. I want to do it every night, and I'd made it over a week before simply forgetting and going to bed after only brushing. Ever since then, I haven't made it more than 2 days in a row, although it's definitely over 3 days a week since I started, I'm not meeting the goal, or really feeling compelled to.
• The snow has crapped out. Suddenly I don't have powder to board on, and I'm going to struggle to get those last 3 trips to the mountains in. Last Monday, Vinh and I rented skis to make the iced-over day more interesting. It worked, but it's not the same. I'm so happy that I have skill at boarding that I want to continue to develop. Now I just have to think of it as spring season... Even though it's still February. Damn Global Warming.
• I need to post pictures of my snowboard gear that I need to sell... Plus now I need to sell my old raincoat since I got a new one. Maybe this weekend I'll get around to it...
• In the career front, I've been actively reading and thinking about a career in science writing. There's a program at UC Santa Cruz that is highly reputable, but I'm struggling with whether getting a science writing certificate rather than a journalism MA would be worth it if at some point I want to move away from science altogether. I suppose once you've established a record and a career in journalism, any kind of writing will open up whether I have a fancy degree or not. Now if I would just CALL the admissions people and see if I have a chance in hell at getting in...
  
• I also realized that I HAVE been trying new restaurants in seattle... Starting with January 1st. Jade Gardens with Vinh (1-1-08) and also O'Asian with my parents (2-9-08). Both dim sum places. Jade Gardens wins for food, O'Asian for atmosphere.

So that's the list of what I'm acctually accomplishing. Maybe more of a story-based entry to come.

taking it to the tax man

Not a particularly exciting tax return, like always, but a finished return! This is the first year that I've managed to file before April... and I think before April 14th. I've never gotten money back, and this year is no different. I'd forgotten to switch my status at PSBC from exempt to non-exempt last January, so I'd earned over $8000 without paying any taxes at all. Luckily, I caught it after I switched to FHCRC, and had them withhold a little more. Not quite enough it turns out, but since I owe less than $500, I'm not upset about it. That's what I get for making money now. I'm definitely not going to be saving money this month, but I'm not going to be pinching pennies, AND I'm not going to be freaking out come April. Check off #39!

The other day I fell off the flossing wagon though. I slept-walked through brushing my teeth and just wandered straight off to bed rather than flossing. It really does take 21 days to form a habit... The 9 days I had couldn't quite cut it. Then I just got lazy last night and blew it again. No more of that!

In other news, I'm signed up to get a CSA box from Full Circle Farm this week (#26 in progress!) and will get to have fun with parsnips, bok choy, and cremini mushrooms. Should be interesting at least...

at the end of a long, dark tunnel

Evidently, there is more going on in my life than I want to admit to myself. Yesterday, about an hour after arriving at work my vision tunneled, my right hand tingled, and my hairline felt like it would split open. Luckily (if you can call it that), this time I knew what was going on. A migraine. This time I was not alone in a foreign country, 9 hours off of the time zone of everyone I cared about, and separated from everyone around me by a language barrier (although, "migraine" is the same word in both English and French, and carries the same sympathetic weight no matter where you say it). Instead, this time I simply left work, took the bus home, and huddled under the covers of my bed with a heavy dose of Advil and caffeine until 6pm, when the pain finally subsided. Happily, I'm well rested now.

What surprises me about this episode is how rarely I get migraines. I can only specifically recall 3 instances that were distinctly migraines: after high school graduation, in Paris, and yesterday. The previous two I had attributed to the denouemont of a climax of stress. Only problem with this theory: what the heck have I been stressed about? I suppose if you really look at it, I've been stressed out ever since I graduated from UW. Finding a job, learning a new job, buying a car, christmas, getting the car tabs and ensuing processes... I've really never stepped off of a roller-coaster since last December. So no wonder really.

The question is how the heck I'm going to manage to deal with my stress, since the sources aren't actually going to go away. I still have to deal with working, having and affording my car, and day-to-day life. This summer I'm hoping to make a dent. Hopefully a few backpacking trips will ease the pain of the daily grind. Snowboarding is making a big dent in the Real World growing pains, while adding in the stress. Maybe I really need to find a source of relaxation that I'm not trying yet... like doing a short yoga practice on a more daily basis, or at least meditating. Where I'm going to find time for that, I'm not sure seeing as how I've failed to find the time to merely clean up my room for ages.

At the very least, I think Saturday is going to be for me. A little cleaning, a little coffee shopping, a little farmer's market and tasty cooking. Definitely wine.

Yes, that will make the migraines stay away. Perhaps migraines aren't that bad... they give me a chance to remember, every year and a half or more, that I'm pushing myself too hard and not taking advantage of what I do actually have going for me.